The Looking Glass

 I Miss Feeling Pretty

Recently I was able to have an open, raw conversation with one of my sons in respect to how I am not feeling very pretty as of lately.  With my hair falling out and my scalp showing; not being able to wear make-up or jewelery because of the skin reactions; the visible broken blood vessels and sores; and the rashes; the side effects of treatment have taken a toll on how feminine (or lack of) I am feeling.

I explained that I am feeling guilty for feeling this way. It seems petty and vain. 

 Drug reaction.  It is described as a chemical burn. Very painful. Face is severely swollen.  Did not recognize myself.  My son advised me to lay off the red eye shadow.

When I go out in public and people stare I feel shy and I just want to disappear into the crowd. I am not proud of this at all but it is the truth.

God bless our children! Within 10 minutes my son's words took me to a place of understanding.  My son, Christian, works as a personal trainer, clinician and health care provider.  I asked if he would share his thoughts on this subject with those who read this blog.  

Christian, thank you for your words of encouragement and helping me see the world through another lens when I needed an alternative perspective to consider.

  

 Beauty Is Bone Deep
- by Christian 

As time passes and my understanding of health grows and my experiences with people broaden I see a common theme; people want very much to look attractive and it hurts them and their health when they feel unattractive.

I didn't always accept this condition.  For some time I made an effort to devalue aesthetics and physical appearances opting for a more functional view of health and well being.  

After all:

"Beauty is only skin deep." 

"It does not matter what we look like, what matters is how we feel."

If we may simply define health as 'how good we feel' and the above holds true, then physical appearance should be considered shallow.  In order to be healthy beauty does not need to occupy our concerns.

Although this was my thinking, I could not ignore the pervasiveness and overwhelming value placed upon appearance.  It was everywhere.  I would see it and most importantly ... I would feel it.

One day I wrote a list of all the physical traits we tend to perceive as attractive in another person, the personal traits we aspire for ourselves. I came up with a list which included;

* clear and healthy skin

* strong, rich hair

* clear eyes

* white teeth

* an athletic frame.

These are some of the same traits most health products, fashion designers and make-up producers attempt to improve upon, frame well, magnify or claim to provide to the consumer through their advertising and marketing.

"Use this product for clearer skin."

"Use this make-up to mask unwanted blemishes."

"Now with whitening!"

"Rid yourself of red, puffy eyes with these drops."

"... fortifying hair for a strong and healthy look." 

...and the countless fat reducing; dieting options; and clothes that lift, tuck and mask unflattering and unwanted...ummm..."curves".

(note: the cosmetic and fashion industries alone make over a half trillion dollars a year.  Another testament of how widely this desire spans.)

I looked at this list while attempting to be free from judgment and I noticed something.  There was a very clear comparison from each aesthetically pleasing trait to an example of a healthy body.  You  see, when our organs, GI tract and mind are healthy it is reflected in our skin, hair, eyes, teeth and body composition.  In fact, the idea of attraction and drawing in a mate with traits expressing vitality and fertility is an expression of health.  True health.  Health within.

When we become ill or our body becomes toxic, this too is reflected in our appearance.  It can make us feel unattractive.  We may compound this feeling with guilt because we feel shame.  Shame for valuing something so shallow. These emotions have absolutely no benefit to us.

When we are not well it is difficult to feel beautiful.  It is difficult to feel pretty.  When our bodies become toxic from chemical therapies or poor nutrition or any other over abundance of a stressor we are not shining with confidence.  We are not representing our beauty or good health.

Picture how you or another person looks and feels after they have not slept for 2 days, or after being stuck outside in the winter for too long, or swelling up from an allergic reaction.  All of these are stressors to our system and can lead to a person feeling and looking physically unattractive. 

We are designed to avoid proximity to dangers, to potential health risks, and to that which does not inspire growth. If attraction encourages proximity ... closeness, then (un)attraction promotes distance ... isolation.

I am not suggesting that anyone who is ill or feeling under the weather is thereby all of a sudden an unavoidable monster.  Rather, I am suggesting that it becomes more difficult to value ourselves as attractive while we are experiencing any distress which overwhelms our system be it physical, mental, emotional, chemical, thermal, or other.

Conversely, when a person does anything to inspire health and healing for themselves they may welcome a feeling of beauty. A reciprocal relationship. Just as distress may subtract from health, a eustress may be an addition to health ... to beauty.

To balance the previous examples, imagine how you or another may look after a good night sleep and a warm shower; returning from a peaceful vacation from a beautifully warm climate; or after consuming a deliciously healthy meal full of life and vitamins.  How then would one feel about their appearance? Would their appearance continue to improve so long as they continued to provide themselves with opportunities to heal and build health? I suggest it would. More importantly, as they began to feel better it would be in their best interest to care, appreciate and value their improving appearance - to enjoy and have gratitude for their healthier looking hair, skin, eyes and body.

My contention is, rather than exhausting mental, emotional and monetary resources on masking, distracting or adding to our lack of health, ... our unease, ... our dis ease; we instead use those valuable resources to build health ... to encourage ease ... to feel ... pretty.

There is no harm in having pride in ones appearance so long as they are taking care of their health and not actively detracting from another's. I suggest you embrace feeling beautiful and do those things within your life which encourages you to feel beautiful.

Beauty reaches depths much further than skin deep.  It reaches through us.  When we have those feelings of being unpretty, may we reach to our depths and encourage the development of our health so we may again feel our beauty shine through.

I now suggest a new paradigm:

Beauty is bone deep.
It matters how you feel. It effects how you look.

- CFR